This is a summary of The Five Love Languages: The secret to love that lasts by Gary Chapman.
When we are in the early stages of a relationship with rose-colored glasses and presenting our best behavior, we may overlook faults and may naturally be speaking each others’ love language. As the relationship matures, however, the pattern may shift with changing circumstances such as a focus on career or children or adopting learned behaviors from roles experienced in our own upbringing. This may squeeze out behaviors in which we previously engaged.
One way to view it, according to Gary, is that we have a love tank that is filled by our partner that ranges from empty (0) to full (10). If it is near empty, intentionally using the right love language can move it to full. He noticed five reoccurring themes over time as he was counseling people through problems in their marriages. These languages of love are 1) words of affirmation, 2) quality time, 3) receiving gifts, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical touch.
Let’s take a look at each of the five love languages and how we can use this information to coach greater awareness and intentional action.
1) Words of Affirmation
This is about the giving and receiving of genuine compliments. Identify and share the ways in which your partner shines. What are the things you really like or appreciate?
From a coaching perspective, notice how comfortable you are giving and receiving praise. Both of these could indicate a growing edge.
2) Quality Time
Here a connection is felt by sharing great experiences and being completely present ‘in the moment’ together. This demonstrates that you have time for the other person and that they are important to you.
Coaching on this might allow you to identify the common elements of a shared great experience. What are the things that you both enjoy doing?
3) Receiving Gifts
Taking the time to put a present together indicates the value that you place on the relationship.
Coaching here might be thinking of more ways you can give tokens or more substantive items and how it can be deeply meaningful for both those involved in the exchange.
4) Acts of Service
Doing things for the other person, especially when it supports their ability to function better or do something that they love is another demonstration of your commitment.
Coaching here is about how the act of service is for the other person and what they would most appreciate rather than what you would like to do. It really is an act of love.
5) Physical Touch
Taking the time to be sensual together even with brief touches confirms your attraction.
Are you initiating and receiving physical contact? There are many pats, hugs, and brushes that can be part of your day. Coaching here may be about your comfort level with this.
But how do you figure out your own and your partner’s love language? You can do this by observing A) behavior, B) what is complained about, and C) where requests or desires are for more. You may have more than one primary mode of operation. Once you have identified the love language, you can set the intention to apply your partner’s preferred mode when you interact with them over a period of several months. If there is no shift in the level of love in the relationship during this time you may have misidentified the primary love language and might wish to switch mode.
You may even be inadvertently poisoning the love language such as serving in ways that are not really wanted or actively avoiding behaviors such as physical touch because you do not have such a high level of comfort with it. When you don’t fully understand the ways you and your intimate partner give and receive love, you may interpret it according to your language e.g. buying gifts may be condemned as frivolous, and giving compliments may be interpreted as insincere.
There are many case studies in the book that describe the successful adopting of each of the five love languages.
This book provides a guide to becoming skilled in all five love languages over time and in asking for your needs to be met keeping your own tank full. This book is 100% focused on what it takes to maintain and improve your intimate relationship, but if this is not the path you choose (or that your partner chooses) you can learn from it to transform your interactions in all other relationships too. There are also other books in this series directed to these. Anyone can benefit from this information as we are all in a relationship with someone 😊. These practices can enrich all the loving relationships in your life from those with close friends to parents and children and even acquaintances and colleagues.
As a coaching tool, it raises awareness as well as providing specific actions. It also allows you to examine your own self-worth and comfort with each of the modes.
Check out my Self Alignment Program to learn more about up-leveling your own use of the Law of Attraction.
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